Un-labeled Parenting

I read a lot of momma blogs.  I belong to a lot of momma groups on social media sites.  I love having the support and friendship of fellow mommas who are nearly like minded to me.  Mostly, I love knowing that it's not just my little minions who do the wackiest, inconceivable, weirdest things out there.  But for as much support and camaraderie I find out there, there is just as much, possibly more, judgement and drama.  And just a little bit of crazy.  Ok, that last one was a joke.  There's a lot of crazy.  And that's what has inspired me to write this for my first blog post.

Most recently, within the interwebs of momma-blogs, there is a huge debate over whether or not mommas want to be associated with "Attachment Parenting" or the like.  It's not that the principles of Attachment- Natural- Gentle- Whatever Parenting aren't sound.  It's actually a very easy way of parenting that is quite loving and wonderful for children and parents alike.  These people offer up some real, honest parenting advice that works for a lot of families, and most importantly, works for a lot of children.  It's fantastic to have a network of people at all levels of parenting to give you advice and support.   Different people offer different view points.  So many parents have already been through what you are going through right now!  It's fabulous that so many people can come together and mentor each other through their parenting journey.  Why wouldn't you want to be a part of it?  It's the village that you have been looking for!

So the problem isn't necessarily the group itself.  It's the level of cray-cray you have to deal with if you want to associate with these particular groups.   As with any group, be it religious, political, or yes, parenting, there are a few fanatics that make the rest of the group look, well, fanatical.  Go to any parenting site and ask about any parenting subject (Really, go ahead. I'll wait right here.).  Need help thinking of a topic?  Ask about bottle vs. breast feeding.  Or cloth vs. disposable diapers.  Or whether or not to vaccinate.  If you want the mother of all drama, ask about circumcision.  Then sit back and wait for the poo-storm of accusation, debate and drama that follows.

What I don't get is the level of animosity and judgement that happens with the slightest comment.  For every article "for" this or that, you will find an article "against."  You will be accused of not loving your baby because you don't do it one way or the other.  You will be both praised and demeaned for doing exactly what you are doing, no matter what you are doing.  And what I've discovered is that most of these types of mommas are completely unaware of their, um...let's just call it exuberance that they have for their own parenting style.  The level of dedication it takes to raise a child tends to give some people tunnel vision.

And I get it!  I totally do!  Here you are, first-time parents, holding this tiny little person in your arms that is no bigger than a loaf of bread, and the realization that you are now responsible for guiding this tiny, squishy bundle of gas and drool into being some kind of a great human being suddenly hits you in the lady-bits (or nut-jar, if you're a dude) as if Luke Skywalker just fired his proton torpedos into your thermal exhaust port.   It can be just a tad overwhelming.  You read and research and debate and finally decide what is going to be right for your child, and your family, and you proceed down this windy, obstacle-filled path called parenting.  You go out looking for support and advice, and suddenly there's a large group of all-ready-did-its who start telling you that you are going about it all wrong.  Who isn't going to get their hackles up when it's your child's future on the line, and you just found out that you are Darth Vader?

Look, I'm not saying they're wrong.  I'm not saying you're wrong!  The one thing that I'm guessing every parent wants, is what's best.  Every parent wants their child to succeed.  Every parent wants their child to thrive.  Every parent sees potential in their baby, and every parent wants to unlock that potential and watch their child reach Level: Expert at Life.  It could be that your advice is the best thing to happen to the world since Joss Whedon developed the creative part of his brain.  But there are ways to go about saying things without telling a person they suck.  Most people, including me, tend to shut down and stop listening once the criticism starts.  Because criticism isn't helpful.  It's mostly mean. And critical judgmental people are not educating people.  They are hurting their cause by being Meanie McJudgersons, and letting people know that hey, we NPers over here are quite a bag of nuts!

Seriously, who wants into that club?

So can we all just take a breath and CALM DOWN before we start both asking for and doling out the advice?  Because I guarantee that providing education, without judging, will have way more effect on the people who need help than all the rants in the world.  And before you get upset over some bit of advice that a well-meaning, yet passionate advocate manages to offend you with, remind yourself that unless you are hookin' out your child in exchange for rent or crack, (in which case, I doubt you are reading any pages looking for parenting advice), you're probably doing it right.  

Let me offer up this bit of advice:

You are doin' alright, momma!  You are doin' alright, daddy!

So here's the point.  Associate with whom you want.  Follow advice, or not, based on what you decide is right for your family.  How else will you get educated and informed, if you don't go out looking for information?  If you want to label your style of parenting, do it!  If you want to take a modge-podge of different styles and blend them together to work for your family, do it!  If you feel like you have some great advice to offer to another parent, do it!  But, lets do it without all the ridiculous judgement calls and finger-pointing.  You don't know why some mommas and daddies chose to do it they way they do.  I would hope they aren't intending to mess up their kid so that they can know the joys of paying for years of therapy instead of college.  And if you feel you need to educate someone, that's totally fine!  Sometimes new parents are asking because THEY DON'T KNOW!!  But education comes with sharing information (not shoving it down people's throats), and by allowing the other person to learn and discover the answers with your help and guidance, not with your demeaning and obtuse behavior.  Kind of like raising kids.  It's super easy to forget that there are PEOPLE on the other side of that screen.